So this is it. It may not be the end of my story, for I am certain there will be many more tales to tell, but this is the end of what I have to offer here. If you do not know me, you never will now, but for those that did, I want to that every single one of you who has supported me, or even cared from a distance. That is one factor that has brought me to this decision, the distance. I have surround myself with “friends”, but those whom cannot physically be there for me. Consequently I have distanced myself from those those who have been there for me the whole time. This surreal Internet world in which I have been living has helped me indefinitely. I have laughed, cried, complained and celebrated, but maybe this is the time to find that somewhere else.
You see, from this blog, I have achieved some form of acceptance and popularity, yet perhaps this small “empire” was built on weak foundations. My popularity was born from images and information that those who it could destroy frantically sook. Without realising, I created a persona for myself entirely surrounding my personal demons. There is so much more to me, and I hope that you have seen this, but there are others closer to heart I need to focus on sharing this with.
I am sorry if this deems selfish or uncaring, because I do care. An awful lot in fact. I care about everyone and everything, and formed attachments with many people on this site, but that’s my problem. If I could give up myself to save everyone else I would, I tried to. Helping others became an addiction, one different to the one that brought me to this blog before, but all addictions can be dangerous if taken too far. I fell, I failed, I was taken over by my demons. I felt the need to save everyone else to try and feel better about loosing myself. I do desperately wanted others to avoid the pain I have seen. I immersed myself in others problems. I fell into the trap, a while ago, of using unconventional ways of expressing my emotions and coping, which was food. This left me weak and fragile. I found a new way of coping, something that would make me happy, appreciated, and block things out once more. This blog. But there is a real world out there, and I have to face it wether it scares me or not. Many people build careers and through the Internet, and it can be a most powerful resource, but I don’t think it’s for me. Those who knew me may remember I was passionate about going into law, for this I need to study, learn, concentrate on what is going on around me.
I don’t need Internet popularity to become a person of worth, I am more than that. I need to concentrate of becoming a person people like and enjoy being around, looking out out for those I love and care about, and healing. I loved and cared for people here too, but I guess that doesn’t matter anymore.
This site, and site, can be fun, informant, heart warming, but they can also be deadly. People on here share their feelings, I did, but how does that make others feel? The image on here portraying that skinny and beatific is all that matters made me feel bad. Later I was exposed to images that my sick mind fed on viciously. It is these glorifying images that did not help with the demons that could kill me. People say the do not support or encourage these disorders, yet their blogs contradict that. I am not saying they would wish it on others, but that their blogs are still harmful to themselves and those viewing it. I cannot judge, because I was one of them. That type of blogging can also be an addiction.
People use tumblr to follow the lives of those who interest them. This is perfectly harmless until they stop living their own. Many people brag about themselves, they celebrate it, but the full effects of this go unknown. Seeing people appreciated for “perfection” can inspire all sorts of negativity.
My story on here has been an interesting one, and to many of you that is all I will ever be, a story. Throughout my time one here I have aimed to make others smile. I have dedicated hours of my life trying to post advice to save people, or help them understand, or just say something stupid to make them laugh and feel happier when other aspects of their life are full of hurt. This was no act, I was a happy person, yet you didn’t see everything. On this blog I am who I want to be. I am open an truly honest, I have never lied or hidden anything, but I wonder if I shared too much. Behind the smiles that appeared in every picture, was a scared little girl, scared of everything, including her own reflection. I have spent many years being strong, but that created a massive hole inside. I need to fight again, I have spent enough time hiding.
I hope at some point I have had the honour of making you smile, as if so I would feel less cruel for deserting you all now. Doing this caused a lot of pressure though, and I don’t cope with pressure very well. That’s probably what partly brought on my problems. People on here depended on me, and I couldn’t cope. I felt I had to stay for my followers, and maybe I helped them, but eventually the that usefulness would dwindle as I slowly burnt in my own heated anxiety. If I never got better, then I would never be able to fully help. People followed my recovery, but if I fell, what effect would that have?
I hope that people remember me, not as the girl who didn’t eat, or the girl who ate again, but just a girl. Maybe not a normal girl, not many would say I fit that description, but as somebody who is worthy of life. Somebody who was joyful, happy, and maybe even strong. That’s what I want, to be a person of worth. I am smart, have friends, family, and a future. I am going to make something of myself, but I need some time out to work out how I am going to do this. I will will eventually. I am still struggling, but I refuse to tell myself I have failed anymore. I am not perfect, but nobody is.
I want you all to know, just because my recovery isn’t as easy as it seemed, it’s far from impossible. I am going to beat this, but like everything, it will take time. But right now I have time, and I hope it stays that way. Not a single person I have witnessed on this site has a reason to doubt themselves. I have witnessed beauty in some many different shapes and forms and I will never forget that. I wish you all the best with and I know you will all be amazing. Thank you very much.
Love from a girl who you mean a lot to, a girl who is so grateful for all the people who spoke to her, a girl who is going to win.
So this is the end of tumblr, I think I need to focus on other things, of I go to eat and get some boobs ;)
Please could you pass this on and inform my followers what has happened? I don’t want people to think I have just left. I am sorry you never got to see all that happened to me.
Goodbye little fighter.